The Aggressive Couch

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Supper Bowl?

So the Super Bowl is tomorrow, right? Time for me to post the boring story of how little a shit I give about football!

I’m not looking for pity, but I need to throw this out there. It sucks being the guy who’s not into football. Nobody in their right mind would intentionally choose to not like football. You must be chosen.

It was 10 times worse when I was a kid. People thought I was just being arrogant. “Why does this little shit pretend he doesn’t like football? I mean, what’s not to like? Watching entitled millionaire jackasses beat the shit out of each other while getting shit-faced is the American dream! Does he think he’s better than us? He thinks he’s better than us. Look at those glasses and those sensible shoes. I bet he prefers soccer. Does he prefer soccer? Little faggot.” Actually, I think soccer is even more boring than the NFL, but that’s a discussion for another day. When’s the next world cup?

Here’s why I find it boring. I admit that the action itself is kind of interesting, and the variety of strategies is good. But how long does it take to play a football game? 4 to 5 hours. How much time is on the clock? 1 hour. I know math scares some of you, but you’re going to have to do some. See how that works out? A 4 to 5 hour “game” with only 1 hour of action. That means 75 to 80% of the time, when a football game is in process, you’re bored as fuck, or watching commercials, or taking a piss.

Don’t see the logic? Well, try this experiment. Take your favorite movie, one that you could watch again right now. Put the tape into the Betamax and start watching it with 3 friends. One tells you everything that’s happening on screen that you can see perfectly well with your own damn eyes, one provides boring statistics, the third provides the color commentary.

Let the movie roll for, say, fifteen seconds. Then hit pause. Let it sit for 45 seconds while your asshole friends comment on what just happened and hurl meaningless statistics at you. Then let it play for another fifteen seconds. Repeat the 45 seconds of commentary, and maybe have them include some cringingly bad human interest stories about how the one actor’s mom had just been eaten by a gator, or how the best boy overcame a childhood injury to become the best best boy in all Hollywood. Every ten minutes, get up and go to the bathroom while your friends act out their favorite Geico commercials. See what I mean?

Some Ron people say that baseball is more boring than football. People in grass houses! I think they’re equally bland. But he agrees with me when I say baseball is the better sport to watch in person. So what gives? Let’s face it, baseball coverage on TV sucks ass. Even more pointless statistics! Baseball is meant to be enjoyed in person or on the radio, when you’re replacing ball joints on an old Buick or something. Or flip over to it during breaks on the cartoon channel.


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Now it's my turn to hump the mic!

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