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Salt, flour, cheese, sugar, cookies, rice, tea, parsley chopper.

December 2019
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Aggressive Couch 71: Thanksgiving Sort Of Sucks

Posted By on November 22, 2019

This month, the sound quality takes another dive down the shitter. I’m not blaming anyone but it’s not our fault! Also, we dropped carrier twice during the conversation. Ah! A modern modem reference!

This month, we take a look at the major holiday nobody really cares about, Thanksgiving. Let’s face it, friends, all non-religious holidays (and most of the traditions on the religious ones) are total BS. Made up excuses for retail price gouging and shopping riots. Lame parades and boring food. Relatives who don’t care if you live or die and excessive alcohol. Ain’t it great! So stop grousing and go enjoy yourselves, you dumb shits! (But everyone else still secretly hates you).

This month, we take a look at sex by mail, shopping riots, pizza toppings, the Ramones, why are stores open on Thanksgiving?, there’s better deals in December than on Black Friday, and “Thanks Cogan”, whatever that means. My handwriting sucks.

Aggressive Couch 70: Halloween!

Posted By on October 24, 2019

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Traditional_Irish_halloween_Jack-o%27-lantern.jpg

This month we take the easy route and do Halloween! Yes, next month we’re doing Thanksgiving, and then Christmas. What the f*** are we going to do next year after the holidays? In fact, what are we going to do NEXT October?

Anyway, this month, we’re all about traditions. Now that Halloween has turned into just another bs retail holiday, how do we celebrate it these days? What traditions do we do? Why do we keep talking about our family members by name as if anyone out there listening knows who Gavin is and why he lives with Ron? Or have we just given in and accepted that there’s nobody out there listening?

Highlights – our Halloween costumes (Dave forgot one – he went as a dog one year), hayrides and corn mazes, apple festivals, haunted houses, our favorite candy, the least popular candies, and the biggest Halloween topic, Gallagher

Aggressive Couch 69: Football Fantastic!

Posted By on September 21, 2019

It’s football season at last! This episode, Dave plays the person who does not enjoy football, while Ron tries to convince him that it is the greatest sport, ever. Well, that was the plan. Turns out Ron is really only a casual fan and Dave still doesn’t give two shits who wins the Super Bowl.

Anyway, we also discuss why you should never get your kids involved with sports, how to win at fantasy football, cheerleader camps, and how to make football safer (is it too late for gene splicing?) Hey, look, football!

Aggressive Couch 68: Shoot Him to Yeast!

Posted By on July 28, 2019

Every year, during the summer, it happens – it’s summer!

This month, we get sick of Skype’s terrible audio quality and experiment with Facebook’s terrible audio quality. Maybe next month it will be better?

Anyway, it’s hot. We discuss summer festivities, fireworks, yeast (no, really), the air intake of my car, pools, Ron’s stand-up comedy, my band, dogs licking themselves, weight loss, how long should a vacation be, camping, Jeeps, UFOs, and pissing. And I cut the part about Lithium.

Aggressive Couch 67: Automob

Posted By on June 17, 2019

Beagles love to play in dirt.

This is the CARS episode of the Aggressive Couch!

This month, we talk about cars – cars we’ve owned, cars we’ve ridden in, cars we’ve stolen – it’s a whole cornucopia of CARS!

Basically, we recorded this a month ago and I forgot what we talked about. We got cut off and we never bothered to finish!

It’s that kind of lackadaisical attitude that makes us what we are!

Aggressive Couch 66: Get Yer Kix (on Route 60)

Posted By on March 31, 2019

66, 60, close enough!

The Couch is back! This week we tackle:

Arizona – we’ve both spent some time working in Arizona. We reminisce!

Conspiracy theories – who believes that crap? And what are some believable conspiracies?

Oak Island – who cares

Cars with touch screens

I think I deleted the section about the vinyl couch so I can’t make that ‘hipsters love vinyl’ gag

Also, Glenn Beck is the guy whose name I couldn’t remember

Ersatz Aggressive Couch #65: The Suck

Posted By on February 27, 2019

We recorded an episode early this month but Dave had the “suck” knob turned all the way up on Norr’s mic. So we recorded a replacement! We covered many of the same topics and went way off the rails as usual.

This month, we introduce our new sponsor, Uncle Savage’s House of Broken Videotapes! Get your copies of Jaws 4 on Beta! No house is complete without one.

In this episode: Movie rentals, project cars – fix ’em or sell ’em!, Satellite TV in the 80’s, mergers and acquisitions, Star Wars, party movies, renting movies for little kids, Metal is kinda lame, the Google Image Search cyber-stalking game, Air BnB, and video games.

Aggressive Couch 64: PLEASE!

Posted By on January 25, 2019

Welcome back to the Couch! After a 5 year absence, the Couch returns with more bad audio and obvious Skype problems.

Aggressive Couch 64?

Clue on the Big Screen – the Couch visits the movie theater to see Clue

Where have we been? We’ve been gone for 5 years, with good behaviour. What has changed? What’s going on? Who has cats now?

Rolling Stones tickets – priced sky high yet still likely to sell out every stadium

Standup Comedy compared to Punk Rock – Ron does standup and Dave sings in a punk band. We compare the differences!

Exclamation Mark

Posted By on January 11, 2019

Is there something happening?

Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: Hell Fest

Posted By on September 30, 2018

By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=58310161

By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=58310161

Hell Fest is a documentary about the annual Misfits fan convention in Colby, Kansas. Colby is not all that big, so there’s only about 5 fans of the band. Well, actually, about half of the teenagers in Colby walk around with Misfits shirts on – it’s just that only 5 people in the town realize that the Misfits are a band rather than an obscure European fashion design house.

Anyways, Dirk Brooks is the organizer. Dirk was originally from the country but moved to Duluth to chase his dream of being a singer in a bowling alley. His dreams crumpled and he had to get a job as a door greeter at a funeral parlor.

The Misfits are his life. They helped him get through many hard times, like when his dog ran over a car. He compares them to the Beatles, whom he always confuses with the Beach Boys.

SPOILER WARNINGS: I haven’t watched this movie

The plot, as it were, revolves around Dirk’s scramble to keep the show together when the guest of honor, G. Felton Skrosky (Dr. Chud’s childhood friend from elementary school), decides to cancel at the last minute due to a scheduling conflict (there was a M*A*S*H marathon on TV that weekend).

With ticket sales stalled and the corporate backers getting nervous, Dirk makes several fateful decisions. This is where the movie loses steam. I know that the deposit at Chuck E. Cheese was non-refundable, but Dirk should have had the dignity to end the show right there.

The actual human sacrifice sub-plot goes nowhere. I guess the documentarians had filmed hours of footage for it, so it ended up in the film anyway. Trying to find a willing victim, trying to find a loop-hole in Colby’s unnecessarily strict ‘murder’ laws, trying to create a realistic looking cadaver from a stolen mannequin, a bottle of ketchup, and seven pounds of potato salad – the film-makers wasted their time filming it, so they punish us by making us watch it.

The film really takes a downhill turn when Dirk decides to invite the local Juggalos. I don’t know how they managed to make them seem like decent people who are actually really cool once you get to know them and not all that different from you or me. Obviously they crossed the line from documentary to outright fabrication. They even pointed out the truth that Insane Clown Posse isn’t all that different from the Misfits. Sure, both band’s lyrics are corny horror-inspired trash, both wear embarrassing costumes, it all sounds like dogs being strangled – but the Misfits have ‘punk’ sounding guitars! The beat is more ‘rock’! And they’re poppier!

Anyway, two Satan horns down from me on this one. I recommend Heck Fest, about the Misfits convention in Salt Lake City, instead.

Best Line: This Ouija board must be defective. Call Milton Bradley.

How I’d improve the movie: Mute the audio and play the Misfits during the Juggalo scenes. In fact, mute the audio and play the Misfits for the duration of whole movie. Finally, remember to remove the lens cap before the police chase them out of the water park.