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November 2018
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Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: Hell Fest

Posted By on September 30, 2018

By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=58310161

By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=58310161

Hell Fest is a documentary about the annual Misfits fan convention in Colby, Kansas. Colby is not all that big, so there’s only about 5 fans of the band. Well, actually, about half of the teenagers in Colby walk around with Misfits shirts on – it’s just that only 5 people in the town realize that the Misfits are a band rather than an obscure European fashion design house.

Anyways, Dirk Brooks is the organizer. Dirk was originally from the country but moved to Duluth to chase his dream of being a singer in a bowling alley. His dreams crumpled and he had to get a job as a door greeter at a funeral parlor.

The Misfits are his life. They helped him get through many hard times, like when his dog ran over a car. He compares them to the Beatles, whom he always confuses with the Beach Boys.

SPOILER WARNINGS: I haven’t watched this movie

The plot, as it were, revolves around Dirk’s scramble to keep the show together when the guest of honor, G. Felton Skrosky (Dr. Chud’s childhood friend from elementary school), decides to cancel at the last minute due to a scheduling conflict (there was a M*A*S*H marathon on TV that weekend).

With ticket sales stalled and the corporate backers getting nervous, Dirk makes several fateful decisions. This is where the movie loses steam. I know that the deposit at Chuck E. Cheese was non-refundable, but Dirk should have had the dignity to end the show right there.

The actual human sacrifice sub-plot goes nowhere. I guess the documentarians had filmed hours of footage for it, so it ended up in the film anyway. Trying to find a willing victim, trying to find a loop-hole in Colby’s unnecessarily strict ‘murder’ laws, trying to create a realistic looking cadaver from a stolen mannequin, a bottle of ketchup, and seven pounds of potato salad – the film-makers wasted their time filming it, so they punish us by making us watch it.

The film really takes a downhill turn when Dirk decides to invite the local Juggalos. I don’t know how they managed to make them seem like decent people who are actually really cool once you get to know them and not all that different from you or me. Obviously they crossed the line from documentary to outright fabrication. They even pointed out the truth that Insane Clown Posse isn’t all that different from the Misfits. Sure, both band’s lyrics are corny horror-inspired trash, both wear embarrassing costumes, it all sounds like dogs being strangled – but the Misfits have ‘punk’ sounding guitars! The beat is more ‘rock’! And they’re poppier!

Anyway, two Satan horns down from me on this one. I recommend Heck Fest, about the Misfits convention in Salt Lake City, instead.

Best Line: This Ouija board must be defective. Call Milton Bradley.

How I’d improve the movie: Mute the audio and play the Misfits during the Juggalo scenes. In fact, mute the audio and play the Misfits for the duration of whole movie. Finally, remember to remove the lens cap before the police chase them out of the water park.

Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: The Darkest Minds

Posted By on August 10, 2018

In the Darkest Minds, an ethnically diverse cast of teenagers go to the woods. This would ordinarily be the setup for a slasher flick, but since the kids are too young to fuck, it turns into more of a teenage ‘Seinfeld’ thing, with angst replacing the comedy.

The movie starts out in the underlit variety store where they all work. It’s kind of in a shambles because there was a big sale over the weekend. Tables were overturned, lights were broken out – typical shopping frenzy. Gotta get those bargains! Anyway, seeing as how they all have the day off , and they’re all officially too young to fuck, they decide to go into the woods to fool around.

While fooling around in the woods (‘fooling around’ meaning holding hands and playing Uno – like I said these are just kids and besides it’s rated PG13) they find some railroad tracks. The black girl, being an obvious rail fan, suggests they wait so she can do some ‘train spotting’. “This fork in the tracks is the best place to spot BR622 from Boston!” The under-educated philistines that make up her friends don’t know what that means, but it sounds better than going home, so they join in.

The big finale comes when the Asian girl decides to show her friends how to polish an old vehicle to perfection using flowers and the power of yellow gloves. Gripping stuff!

Best line: “How was I supposed to know it wasn’t a real duck!”

How I’d improve the movie: Dial down the angst. Set the movie in 1920’s Boise. Replace the character of Liam with Thomas the Tank Engine

Movie Review: Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

Posted By on July 21, 2018

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again is the latest in the recent trend of big budget all-star fishing movies. Wow! Let’s say it delivers big-time. It’s the best fishing movie since ‘Dad Takes a Fishing Trip’.

Review: Jurassic World, Fallen Kingdom

Posted By on July 4, 2018

This is one fantastic movie. It tells the heart warming story of dinosaurs fighting to save the lives of a wily band of humans from a vengeful volcano. A definite must see!

Word Page

Posted By on June 8, 2018

I hate being sick.

Happy Scrum

Posted By on April 25, 2018

This site may soon have a purpose! Hold, on.

Peter Cottontale review

Posted By on March 22, 2018

Peter Cottontale is the latest lepusploitation film. Just another movie in the long line of crass, underdeveloped rabbit-tripe.

The story revolves around underground cop Jake Rabbit on his quest to bring down the big bad, Peter Cottontale. Peter was running blow from Columbia or glow from Gambia. I couldn’t really tell with those thick rabbit accents. The whole thing was another cookie-cutter movie following the Save the Rabbit style of hero’s journey, mixed with the ultra-violence and wild sex that the lepusploitation genre is known for. Throw in about 700 lame rabbit puns and you’re there.

Star Trek XIV: Space Crickets Come Home

Posted By on March 2, 2018

This movie was an unmitigated disaster. Sure, turning Star Trek over to the people responsible for the Dennis the Menace comic strip seemed like a good idea – at first! Honestly, the scene where Spongebob gets assimilated by the Borg was the only good part.

Benji – C.R.A.C.K. U.S.A.

Posted By on February 16, 2018

Now this is my idea of a Benji movie. Little-loved when it was released back in the 80’s, this film is non-stop action. Granted, it’s kind of in the ‘so bad it’s good’ camp. Total camp. And yes, the ‘idiot cop’ gets bitten in the nuts – twice! Once by Benji, and once by the bad “Mr. T” wanna-be. The best part is Benji crashing the cool flying car into the Eiffel Tower.  Too bad it was totally destroyed during filming. What you see today is just a replica. The French sure were pissed!

Benji Does Dallas

Posted By on February 4, 2018

I did NOT watch this one – I am merely alerting you to its presence. According to Benjipedia, there was no actual bestiality in this movie, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Seriously, who would want to watch a movie about a dog humping people’s legs for money, no matter how tastefully it was done?