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Black Death Friday

What a great start to the holiday season! Violence was up over 3% compared to last year. Let’s see the breakdown in stats:

+2.02% tramplings

+1.7% ‘last item’ tug of war

+3.1% pepper spraying

+1.375¼% guitars smashed over heads (due to the El Kabong remake rumors?)

+0.5% Assault with a friendly weapon

The only downside has been a dramatic dropoff in the amount of sports equipment shoved up people’s asses, but I won’t go into that. I’m sick of hearing about Penn State.


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Now it's my turn to hump the mic!

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