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Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: The Darkest Minds

In the Darkest Minds, an ethnically diverse cast of teenagers go to the woods. This would ordinarily be the setup for a slasher flick, but since the kids are too young to fuck, it turns into more of a teenage ‘Seinfeld’ thing, with angst replacing the comedy.

The movie starts out in the underlit variety store where they all work. It’s kind of in a shambles because there was a big sale over the weekend. Tables were overturned, lights were broken out – typical shopping frenzy. Gotta get those bargains! Anyway, seeing as how they all have the day off , and they’re all officially too young to fuck, they decide to go into the woods to fool around.

While fooling around in the woods (‘fooling around’ meaning holding hands and playing Uno – like I said these are just kids and besides it’s rated PG13) they find some railroad tracks. The black girl, being an obvious rail fan, suggests they wait so she can do some ‘train spotting’. “This fork in the tracks is the best place to spot BR622 from Boston!” The under-educated philistines that make up her friends don’t know what that means, but it sounds better than going home, so they join in.

The big finale comes when the Asian girl decides to show her friends how to polish an old vehicle to perfection using flowers and the power of yellow gloves. Gripping stuff!

Best line: “How was I supposed to know it wasn’t a real duck!”

How I’d improve the movie: Dial down the angst. Set the movie in 1920’s Boise. Replace the character of Liam with Thomas the Tank Engine

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