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Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: The Darkest Minds

Posted By on August 10, 2018

In the Darkest Minds, an ethnically diverse cast of teenagers go to the woods. This would ordinarily be the setup for a slasher flick, but since the kids are too young to fuck, it turns into more of a teenage ‘Seinfeld’ thing, with angst replacing the comedy.

The movie starts out in the underlit variety store where they all work. It’s kind of in a shambles because there was a big sale over the weekend. Tables were overturned, lights were broken out – typical shopping frenzy. Gotta get those bargains! Anyway, seeing as how they all have the day off , and they’re all officially too young to fuck, they decide to go into the woods to fool around.

While fooling around in the woods (‘fooling around’ meaning holding hands and playing Uno – like I said these are just kids and besides it’s rated PG13) they find some railroad tracks. The black girl, being an obvious rail fan, suggests they wait so she can do some ‘train spotting’. “This fork in the tracks is the best place to spot BR622 from Boston!” The under-educated philistines that make up her friends don’t know what that means, but it sounds better than going home, so they join in.

The big finale comes when the Asian girl decides to show her friends how to polish an old vehicle to perfection using flowers and the power of yellow gloves. Gripping stuff!

Best line: “How was I supposed to know it wasn’t a real duck!”

How I’d improve the movie: Dial down the angst. Set the movie in 1920’s Boise. Replace the character of Liam with Thomas the Tank Engine

Movie Review: Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

Posted By on July 21, 2018

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again is the latest in the recent trend of big budget all-star fishing movies. Wow! Let’s say it delivers big-time. It’s the best fishing movie since ‘Dad Takes a Fishing Trip’.

Review: Jurassic World, Fallen Kingdom

Posted By on July 4, 2018

This is one fantastic movie. It tells the heart warming story of dinosaurs fighting to save the lives of a wily band of humans from a vengeful volcano. A definite must see!

Word Page

Posted By on June 8, 2018

I hate being sick.

Happy Scrum

Posted By on April 25, 2018

This site may soon have a purpose! Hold, on.

Peter Cottontale review

Posted By on March 22, 2018

Peter Cottontale is the latest lepusploitation film. Just another movie in the long line of crass, underdeveloped rabbit-tripe.

The story revolves around underground cop Jake Rabbit on his quest to bring down the big bad, Peter Cottontale. Peter was running blow from Columbia or glow from Gambia. I couldn’t really tell with those thick rabbit accents. The whole thing was another cookie-cutter movie following the Save the Rabbit style of hero’s journey, mixed with the ultra-violence and wild sex that the lepusploitation genre is known for. Throw in about 700 lame rabbit puns and you’re there.

Star Trek XIV: Space Crickets Come Home

Posted By on March 2, 2018

This movie was an unmitigated disaster. Sure, turning Star Trek over to the people responsible for the Dennis the Menace comic strip seemed like a good idea – at first! Honestly, the scene where Spongebob gets assimilated by the Borg was the only good part.

Benji – C.R.A.C.K. U.S.A.

Posted By on February 16, 2018

Now this is my idea of a Benji movie. Little-loved when it was released back in the 80’s, this film is non-stop action. Granted, it’s kind of in the ‘so bad it’s good’ camp. Total camp. And yes, the ‘idiot cop’ gets bitten in the nuts – twice! Once by Benji, and once by the bad “Mr. T” wanna-be. The best part is Benji crashing the cool flying car into the Eiffel Tower.  Too bad it was totally destroyed during filming. What you see today is just a replica. The French sure were pissed!

Benji Does Dallas

Posted By on February 4, 2018

I did NOT watch this one – I am merely alerting you to its presence. According to Benjipedia, there was no actual bestiality in this movie, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Seriously, who would want to watch a movie about a dog humping people’s legs for money, no matter how tastefully it was done?

The Passion of Benji

Posted By on February 2, 2018

The Passion of Benji is basically two hours of dog abuse. Good grief, this was difficult to watch. Even knowing that it wasn’t a real dog being whipped, I still had trouble watching this one.

And I know they were trying to be authentic by having all the dogs speak in their native tongue, but the subtitles were sometimes hard to read and went by too fast.

The whole bit where Benji dies and rises from the grave three days later is also off-putting. I know it was supposed to be inspirational, but it’s basically Zombie-dog.