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A Very Bagel Sunday, Part 3

And now, the thrilling conclusion of A Very Bagel Sunday.

Read Part 1! And Part 2!

Scene 8 – The Chase Scene
Al and Charley’s car. Somewhere on the road to Bagel, Texas.
Al: We did it!
Charley: Wait, I see headlights behind us.
Al (looking back): It’s Chief Boyardee and the Campbell’s Soup Kids!
Charley: How did they know?
Al: Maybe all the bodies.
They’re getting ready for battle in the Chief’s truck. There is a big bowl of soup on the back. The spoon acts as a catapult.
Manny Campbell: They’re in my sights.
Moe Campbell: Ready to fire.
Jack Campbell: Where are we?
Manny: Fire!
A big wet noodle flies and grazes Al and Charley’s car.
Moe: Direct hit!
Charley struggles to keep the car on the road.
Al: What was that?
Charley: A big wet noodle. It’s Manny, Moe, and Jack of the Pep Boys. My God, they’ve been bought out by the Campbell’s Soup company!
Al: Watch out, they’re about to fire again.
Another noodle hits the car.
Charley: Al, you drive now!
Al: What are you going to do?
Charley: Stop them.
Charley hangs out the window. He begins throwing loaves of bread at the truck.
Jack: They’re throwing bread at us.
Chief: Step on the gas.
Manny: Watch out for that…
All (yelling): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!
The truck goes off the side of the road. Charley climbs back into the car.
Al: You did it!
Jimmy: You might as well give up now.
Charley: Gag him, Al.
Al sticks a bagel into Jimmy’s mouth.
Charley: We’ve got to get to the compound before more police arrive.

Scene 9 – Al and Charley’s Hideout
Al and Charley arrive home with Jimmy. They park and grab Jimmy.
Al: Hey, who left the outside lights on?
Charley: You did.
Al: Oh yeah, that’s right.
Jimmy: MMf mmf.
Charley: Shut up.
They walk inside. It’s all dark in the room. Charley turns the lights on. The place is festively decorated. A banner hangs overhead that reads “Al and Charley: Bagel Kings”. A large crowd stands up from behind the furniture.
Crowd: Surprise!
Charley (mad): What the hun is this?
Al: It looks like a party.
Charley: Who are you people?
A man steps forward and shakes Charley’s hand.
Man: I am David Koresh, and these are my Branch Davidians.
Charley: Why are you here?
David: Well, we have standoff experience. Plus, what kind of story would this be without us?
Al: Do you have guns?
David: Guns, we’ve got a freakin’ arsenal here! But Jesus will be stopping by later.
Charley: That’s great. The police will be here soon.
A thundering noise is heard overhead. Charley looks out and sees the Burger Wing.
Charley: It’s Ronald McDonald! Everybody down.
Ronald drops the Big Mac Attack.
Al: Oh no! Big Macs!
Big Macs are coming down everywhere. The Davidians are being killed.
David: Big Mac bomb at twelve o’clock!
The bomb explodes, shooting special sauce everywhere.
Al (attempting to wipe special sauce off his face): I’m hit! I’m hit!
Charley: Don’t worry, we’ll get out of this.
Down the road, Bob Lender is trying to help Chief Boyardee and the Campbell’s Soup kids restart their truck.
Bob: We’ve got to get there before Ronald kills everyone. Doesn’t he know they still have┬áJimmy?
Manny: Yes, that’s why he’s trying to kill everyone.
Jack: What’s that red wire that goes to the battery?
Moe: I think that starts it.
Chief: Here, take this can of lasagna and hook it up to the battery.
Manny: Alright.
When Manny hooked the battery to the lasagna it caused a nuclear explosion spilling nuclear radiation over a fifty mile radius, killing everyone. The end.

Ronald McDonald is now serving a lifetime sentence for the murder of Grimace.
After the explosion, Bob Lender decided he couldn’t take it anymore and baked himself to death.
Al and Charley decided that they really loved each other. They have gotten married and live with their six kids in Omaha, Nebraska.
Manny, Moe, and Jack were killed by Western Auto employees for trying to steal their tools.
Chief Boyardee was found dead in his home after on his homemade pizza crust.
Chief Easy Spread suffered a bad case of depression, culminating in him buttering himself to death.
Jimmy Lender – nobody cares.
Everything in this story is true. By the way, Jesus will be here later for wine into bagels. The End.


And now, I’m taking a short beak for the holidays with my pet emu. I shall return December 1st.

About The Author

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One Response to “A Very Bagel Sunday, Part 3”

  1. Norr says:

    This is an American Classic!!!!