The Aggressive Couch

Powered by Diet Water

A Very Bagel Sunday, Part 2

Read part 1 here!

Scene 5 – The Prom. Everyone is heading there. Ronald McDonald and Grimace are already inside. The police are ready for anything.
Grimace: Ronald, you didn’t have to beat those little kids to death.
Ronald: When you let the air out of the balls, that’s it!
Grimace: But that little girl said she loved me!
Ronald (mad): OOH! Shut up, you big dumb purple thing! What are you, anyway? I know what you are, you’re a grape mixed with a dog!
Grimace (sad): You don’t mean any of that.
Ronald draws his gun and shoots Grimace five times.
Ronald: Ha ha ha! Get up now, bitch! Wait, I have to do something with the body.
Ronald drags Grimace’s body into the nearby kitchen.
Out front, the guests have begun to arrive. The prom is starting. Bullwinkle is the announcer.
Bullwinkle: Okay, welcome to the 1993 Prom at the Thomas English Muffin High. Many people are here tonight. Here comes the Undertaker and Missy Wonder. Mr. Undertaker, do you have anything to say?
Undertaker: Paul Bearer is sick.
Bullwinkle: Sorry to hear that. So, Missy, how are you?
Missy: The Undertaker put my parents in a coffin.
Bullwinkle: Okay! Well, that was nice. Now here comes our next couple in our prom court, Macho Man Randy Savage and Andrea Snicker. Macho Man, anything to say?
Macho Man: OOH YEAH! There better be some Slim Jims here, or I’m going to rip your fool head off. See ya.
Bullwinkle: Get that man some Slim Jims! Our next couple, weighing in at 234 pounds, 6’6″, is the heavyweight champion Hulk Hogan and his date. Wait, there’s nobody with him!
Hulk Hogan runs right up to Bullwinkle.
Hulk: You know, moose-type dude, me and my 26″ pythons made it because this story would not be complete without me.
Bullwinkle: Where’s your date?
Hulk: I can’t believe you asked me that, moose-dude. You see, we were wrestling. I clotheslined her, then did a drop-leg on her, but she never got back up. But I won.
Hulk runs into the prom.
Bullwinkle: I can’t believe that. Our last couple is Jimmy Lender and Lisa Van Dyke. Jimmy, how are you?
Jimmy: Get away, you hairy monster!
Jimmy and Lisa run into the prom.
Bullwinkle: Hey Jimmy! Sit on this!
As the prom starts up, Al and Charley arrive at the back entrance.
Charley: Come on, we’re going in. Do you got the guns?
Al: Why do we have to go in the back?
Charley: Because we have guns.
Al: So what?
Charley: If you didn’t need me, I’d shoot myself.
Al and Charley gather their equipment and go in. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, the cateres are preparing the fruit punch.
Chef 1: And now for the final touch, the juice of one pickled beet. Where is that beet!
Chef 2: Someone must have moved it.
Chef 1: Here it is. Wow! I didn’t realize it was this big.
Chef 2: Well, help me chop it up so we can put it in the juicer.
Scene 6 – The Lender’s House. Bob is on the sofa. He gets a call.
Bob: Hello?
Easy: It’s me, Chief Easy Spread. I have bad news.
Bob: Your teepee burned down?
Easy: Worse – Al and Charley were here.
Bob: My God! What?
Easy: I gave them my butter mines.
Bob: You did what?
Easy: They had the photos of me with the butter.
Bob: They must be planning something. I’m glad this story is starting to pick up.
Bob hangs up the phone, then calls Chief Boyardee.
Bob: Chief!
Chief: Who the hell is it. I’m eating ravioli.
Bob: It’s Bob. Al and Charley are at the prom.
Chief: What do you want me to do?
Bob: Get your men. I think they’re going to kill Jimmy and the bagels!

Scene 7 – At the Prom (Revisited). Al and Charley are about to put their plan into action.
Charley walks to the stage with a machine gun. Silence falls over the crowd.
Charley: Okay, since this has to be violent to be interesting, everyone has to get shot. Except Jimmy, he’s coming with us.
The crowd boos.
Charley: Hey, at least not all of you are going to die!
The crowd cheers!
Al: Okay, form into two lines, please.
Al and Charley open fire on the crowd. Jimmy tries to run but is caught by Al. Suddenly, Richard Dawson walks in.
Richard Dawson: Machine gun in a very large crowd? Survey says:
Crowd: 50% Dead!
Richard: Yes! Thank you, Robin Williams!
Ronald McDonald appears. He confronts Charley.
Ronald: All right, Charley. You’re mine!
Al: Where’s Grimace?
Ronald: Grimace? He’s the punch you’re drinking.
Everyone spits out the punch.
Al: I thought the punch was good.
Ronald: Put down your guns. We’re going to Playland!
Al uses Jimmy as a shield.
Al: Step back, Ronald!
Charley: Now we’re in control.
Ronald: That’s what you think. French Fries, attack!
The Fry Guys run out. French fries are flying everywhere.
Al: What can we do?
Charley: Hand me that ketchup bottle.
Charley opens the bottle of Heinz Thick Ketchup and throws it at the Fry Guys. It goes off like a grenade.
Al: Take that, you french fries.
Charley (yelling): I got the kid! Let’s go!
Ronald: No! They’re getting away.
Charley turns to face Ronald.
Charley: Hey, Ronald! Your food sucks!
Ronald: We’re number 1!
Charley: Take this Whopper, Ronald.
Ronald: No! No! NOT THE WHOPPER!
Charley throws the Whopper. It hits Ronald with a sickening “whop” sound and knocks him out cold. Al and Charley drag Jimmy to their getaway car.
Al: Get in, kid.
Jimmy: Wait!
They throw him into the back of the car and head for their hideout. Little do they know that they are being trailed!

About The Author

Now it's my turn to hump the mic!


Comments are closed.