The Aggressive Couch

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A Very Bagel Sunday, Part 1

Al Capone and Charley Luciani want to take over the bagel market, but aren’t sure of their butter resources. Bob Lender is in their way and always stops them.
Scene 1 – Al and Charley’s hideout in Bagel, Texas. They are discussing their plans to take over the bagel market
Al (to Charley): I can’t believe we lost another shipment.
Charley (mad): Bob Lender has gotten in the way too many times.
Al: You’re right.
Charley: You know our prom is coming up, don’t you?
Al: Yeah, so what?
Charley: Jimmy Lender.
Al: Yeah, Bob’s stupid son.
Charley: If we kill him, Bob won’t know what to do.
Al: You’re right. Then we can send them flowers.
Charley (slapping Al): No, you idiot! Then we can take over the bagel market!
Al: I’m not sure we’re ready.
Charley: Why not?
Al: Our butter supply is down this month.
Charley: All right! Gather the men. We’re going to Land O’ Lakes to kill all the indians and take their butter.

Scene 2 – At the Lender’s
Jimmy Lender is getting ready for the prom. Bob is helping him.
Jimmy: Thanks for helping me, dad.
Bob: I know, son. You love me, don’t you?
Jimmy: Yeah, I guess so.
Suddenly, Jimmy’s mother, Theresa, walks in.
Theresa: You make me sick, both of you! I love you, you love me – this family values crap is a bunch of malarchy! At any rate, this has nothing to do with the story.
Theresa exits.
Jimmy: She’s right. Think anything will happen tonight?
Bob: We’ve got our eyes on the Oven Compound down in Bagel, Texas.
There’s a knock at the door. Chief Boyardee walks in. Bob shakes the Chief’s hand.
Bob: What brings you here, Chief?
Chief: We have a tip that Al Capone and Charley Luciani want your bagels.
Bob: What do you mean?
Chief: They want your bagels.
Bob: Where did you get this information?
Chief gestures towards the door. Ronald McDonald and Grimace walk in.
Chief: These are my best men!
Bob: Yeah, so?
Chief: They will protect you.
Bob (angrily): I don’t need protection from you or anybody!
Ronald: Yes you do. In this day and age, protection is very important. Do you know about AIDS young man?
Chief (mad): Ronald, what are you talking about!
Ronald: About sex, what else?
Chief: This is a play for English. You can’t say that!
Ronald (embarrassed): You’re right.
Bob: All of you, get out!
Chief: But-
Bob (interrupting): Get out! Get out or I’ll bake you to death!
Everyone leaves except Bob and Jimmy. They stare at each other.
Scene 3 – Al and Charley’s car, heading for Land O’ Lakes.
Al: How much longer we got?
Charley: About three miles.
Al: No, I mean until Mr. Belvedere comes on.
Charley: You’re not going to watch that anymore.
Al: Why not?
Charley: Because every time you watch that you start to clean.
A police car pulls up behind them, with lights on. It motions for them to pull over.
Al: Hey, it’s the cops.
Charley: Wait, it’s a big stupid yellow car….
Al and Charley (together): My God! It’s Ronald McDonald and Grimace!
They pull over. Ronald and Grimace walk up to their car.
Ronald: All right, get out and take your pants off.
Grimace: Why, Ronald, are we going to make bacon burgers?
Ronald: No! I mean, put your hands up.
Al, Charley, and their men get out of the car and put their hands up.
Grimace: Get out, this gig is up.
The men just stand there. Ronald walks up to Al and Charley.
Ronald: Well, well, if it isn’t Al Cappino and Charley Luccino.
Charley: What do you want? We didn’t do anything.
Ronald: We got a tip that you want bagels.
Al: We were going to the store to buy them now.
A call comes over the police radio.
Dispatcher: Ronald McDonald and Grimace, calling Ronald McDonald and Grimace! 211 in Playland. Could be dangerous. Little kids letting the air out of the balls.
Ronald (angry): Nobody lets the air out of MY balls!
Grimace: What about last time –
Ronald (interrupting): SHUT UP!!! You’re lucky, Al and Charley. If my balls weren’t so important I’d take you in.
They get into their cars and leave. Ronald begins looking for a place to turn around.
Grimace: Mmm, I wanted bacon burgers.
Scene 3 – Al and Charley arrive at Land O’ Lakes. Two indians guide them to Chief Easy Spread’s teepee. Easy is the biggest supplier of butter anywhere.
Easy: What do you want?
Al: Hey, you didn’t say “how.”
Easy: How… about I kill you, instead.
Charley: We want your butter.
Easy: My butter. You think I’ll give you my butter mines?
Charley: No, but would you like to see these pictures in Playbutter?
Easy (mad): Where did you get them!
Charley: Your wife would like these. You, naked with a bunch of butter sticks!
Easy: Alright, you win.
Easy hands over the deeds to the butter mines. Charley keeps the photos with him.
Charley: Thank you, Chief.
Easy: We have a deal. If you break it, I will kill you.
Charley: Same to you.
Al: Bye, Chief. I like the sticks in the photos.
Al and Charley leave the teepee and get in their car.
Scene 4 – Jimmy is picking up his date Lisa for the prom. He is in the living room talking to her parents, Phil and Bob. Did we forget to mention her parents are gay?
Bob: So, Jimmy, what do you think?
Jimmy: About what?
Bob: Lisa’s parents being gay.
Jimmy: It doesn’t matter to me. Just don’t make a pass at me.
Phil: Don’t worry, we won’t.
Bob: What time do you think you’ll be back?
Jimmy: Whenever I want.
Phil: We’re the parents. She’ll be home by one AM. You hear me?
Jimmy: You know, I’m getting sick of you already!
Jimmy pulls out a lead pipe.
Phil (Scared): What’s that for?
Bob: You’re not going to…
Jimmy: BEAT YOU WITH IT!!!
Bob: Yes, please don’t beat us with it.
Phil: Listen young man. We’re the parents, you’re not. Got it?
Jimmy lunges at Phil. He tries to resist, but can’t escape. Bob runs to the phone. Jimmy chases.
Jimmy: You’re not going to order any pizza!
Bob: Get away!
Jimmy beats Phil and Bob to a pulp. Lisa enters.
Lisa (shocked): What happened?
Jimmy (hiding lead pipe): They wanted pizza. You know how it is – one wanted this, the other wanted that. Well, are you ready, Lisa?
Lisa: Yeah, let’s go! (Lisa waves at her parents.) I’ll be home later.


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