The New Aggressive Couch!

It started innocently enough, hanging around dapper homosexuals such as this guy. But soon, America legalized same sex marriage, and raccoons started to get uppity. Before long Bob had joined up with the pirates!

Bob (background, left) first joined up with the crew of the ship “Tadpole”. They already had a mad raccoon named Dave as their mascot. Dave taught Bob the ropes. But Bob was unhappy. He had no desire to be a rope. He wanted to kick some ass. He wanted his own ship!

Bob set out to recruit a crew of his own. First, he bought a delapidated old ship called “The Apple Crisp” with his college trust fund. Then he went to the beach and started singing his scintillating pirate song. He accompanied himself on guitar in phyrigean fingerstyle. B flat major. Before long he had enough men for his pirate ship. I mean, who can resist a singing raccoon? I know I can.

Whenever a group of new friends gets together for the first time, it can be hard to “break the ice”. Here Bob and his men are engaging in the typical frat hazings aboard the Apple Crisp.

Inspired by Van Halen, Bob and his men raided Panama. While the men raped and pillaged and decapitated the head of the rival football team, Bob shocked them all with his depravity by rummaging through the garbage cans. I guess he showed them who’s boss!

Word got out about Bob’s successful raid on Panama. Soon, the pirate police were after him. Things were not looking good for the police when Bob suddenly stopped fighting to have a cup of tea. “Can you blame me? This fighting stuff is hard!”

Bob was taken prisoner and tried as an adult. Apparently they judged this in raccoon years, rather than human ones. At any rate, Bob had a sudden conversion in prison, and claimed that since he was now a nun, they judges couldn’t hurt him. He threw himself to the floor in prayer. Suddenly, his men burst in! They weren’t there to rescue him, they just liked bursting in on things. But it worked – Bob attempted his escape!

Bob was last seen on the roof. He disappeared in the chaos after his men set fire to their instruments during the 33rd verse of “Inna-Gada-Davida”. He was never seen again. Or was he?

Some people said that the new bishop in the nearby village had a resemblance to a certain someone. Had Bob returned, under a clever disguise? Many historians answer “yes”.

Of course, some people have different theories.