The Aggressive Couch

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Visasat Launches New “Porn On Demand” Satellite

As many of our single reader knows, I am stuck without real broadband options despite being right next to several major roads and FIOS is only a few blocks away but they won’t come any closer because last time they tried my neighbors shot at them because they think the internet is an attempt at “world government”. They also shoot at those black helicopters the UN keeps sending overhead, so what do they know?

So I was definitely excited when I heard about Fiestasat’s new “POD” satellite internet.

“POD stands for Porn-On-Demand” says Clive Baxter Rodent, head of Vistasat. “With this new service, you can receive up to 25 gigabytes of porn per day at a better-than-latex 12 gigastrokes per second!”

What about the lag? This has always been the achille’s tendon wet spot weak spot of satellite! Waiting almost 2 seconds between clicking on a link and seeing the movie start can cause some serious blue balls.

“With POD, the lag is minimized to less than one second by the latest software using blow-up dolls and video tapes. Using the blow up dolls as temporary storage, porn comes spurting out of your computer with less delay than previous systems. But the dolls do have a tendency to explode. That is where the video tape comes in. The dolls eat the video tapes. But that doesn’t stop them from exploding. I don’t know why I brought that up.

“But I must caution you – POD is not for twitch masturbators! POD is simply not well-suited for sex gaming. Because if you get stuck in a high-stakes game of who came first, that one second delay can mean soggy biscuit!”

What happens if someone goes over their download cap?

“The porn spurting slows to a dribble, which happens to a lot of older men, don’t be ashamed. But it still comes! I can feel it!”

Finally, are there any special offers for readers of the Couch?

“Hell, no.”

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2 Responses to “Visasat Launches New “Porn On Demand” Satellite”

  1. Harry C Pharisee says:

    What happens if you wrap bacon in copper and attach it to your satellite via a bull’s vas deferens tube?

  2. Dave says:

    Depends on whether or not the rest of the bull is still attached.